Letters From Earth

Erin Wester

To my fellow grifters on planet Takyer Stuf,

I have found a planet called Earth that I claim for myself under the “Grifter's Law” of finders / keepers. From what I have learned, it is a planet full great wealth easily exploited, because it is run by foolish, close-minded, and ignorant people throughout history.

Probably the biggest fool I read about was a man named John Smith. His exploits are so great that they are scarcely believable. Apparently at age 16, he became a soldier. After several years of fighting, he was captured and sold as a slave. The slave owner's wife fell in love with him and sent him to become a soldier, where he then killed a man and escaped. After traveling all over Europe and North Africa, he decides his life has not had enough excitement in it yet and sets sail for North America (Captain John Smith). From here, he claims that in his time spent in Jamestown, which is the colony founded by the Virginia Company he had sailed over with to America, he “... became the leader of the colonists and did his best to fight off the Indians” (Captain John Smith). However, in the Native American Powhatan's speech to John Smith, it is difficult to believe that this courageous man was all that he said he was, “Think I am so simple... laugh and be merry with you, have copper, hatchets, or what I want being your friend: then be forced to fly from all, to lie cold in the woods, feed upon acorns... and be so hunted by you...” (Powhatan).  Powhatan was deceived by John Smith into being his friend until John Smith realized what he really wanted from Powhatan: his land.  One Earthling said, "[John Smith] was not a violent man, he was a writer and knowledgeable" (Losoni Sanoe).  When the only major history is written by a man who is clearly a narcissist, and the rest of the historical accounts of John Smith make him out to be a power hungry bully, it is difficult to believe what he says.  So between John Smith's embellished tales of heroism and Powhatan's overly trusting nature, exploiting these Earthlings should be easy.

And yet it gets better! These simpletons have crazy traditions and deep held beliefs in a bogus God. A man by the name of Edward Taylor was a Puritan and closely followed the teachings of a man named Jesus (Paul P. Reuben, "Perspectives in American Literature – A Research and Reference Guide"). Apparently in England, this group he belonged to wanted to “purify” the church of England. They felt that since this Bible they all followed had the final say in all matters, it was not necessary to have a religious hierarchy structure; if you wanted to talk to “God”, you could (http://xroads.virginia.edu ). Since apparently this Jesus was a teacher, Edward Taylor decided to teach as well which is why he started his ministry. He also wrote private poems in his spare time mostly to help him put into words and better understand his own beliefs, religious and other. “Taylor wrote his poems in the tradition of the metaphysical poets, like Donne and Herbert... “he created elaborate conceits and metaphors that used spinning wheels, bowling bowls, excrement, and insects to give ingenious and often grotesque expression to his intense emotions”” ( Paul P Reuben, "Perspectives in American Literature – A Research and Reference Guide"). An example would be from his poem “Meditation 8,”

I kening through Astronomy Divine

The World's bright battlement, wherin I spy

A Golden Path my Pencil cannot line,

From that bright Throne unto my Threshold ly (1-4).

He is basically using a fancy way of saying that he sees the path from Heaven to his door. He continues to use references to this Bible in “Meditation 8” like “...bird of Paradise” (7), “...pecked the Fruit Forbade” (9), and “... Celestial Famine” (11). These ideas and many others are types he has riddled in most of his poems as each biblical reference is another thought he was working out in his head.  If only L. Ron Hubbard had traveled to Earth sooner, maybe Edward Taylor wouldn't have had to think so hard about a false religion.

What I find most outrageous about these Puritans coming to North America for religious freedom is the incredible hypocrisy they had by persecuting people of different beliefs from their own. Anne Hutchinson was a Puritan who came to America so she could practice her religion freely. She felt people could communicate with this God on their own without any help and this challenged the current religious beliefs. The men or “ministers” she was contending with came to America because they wanted to be closer to this God. In England, the farther up the chain of religious hierarchy you were, the closer to this God you were, and they felt that was wrong. Yet, once they came to power, they did not want to give it up, and declared only ministers could speak with this God. Because of her beliefs that contradicted these ministers, she was put on trial and convicted of “[holding] meetings that were “not tolerable” in the sight of God” (The Trial of Anne Hutchinson). Unfortunately for Anne Hutchinson (and great for me), religion is a tricky thing to prove and blind faith is a great weapon for control of people.  These two-faced ministers sound like people I could hire on.  Oh, and she had also, “...stepped beyond the bounds of what was allowed for women” (The Trial of Anne Hutchinson).  

And this brings me to my next ridiculous person in Earthling history, Anne Bradstreet. From her poems, she seemed very intelligent (for Earthling standards), but she was relegated to basic house wife. She did publish some of her work, but she was not allowed to take credit for it like a man would be able to do. (Anne Bradstreet) Why doesn't she just grab a photon rifle and tell people to stop pushing her around? Thankfully, in our society, we are asexual and don't have to deal with woman’s rights, we just simplified it and enslaved those Mormmans from the Josephsmith planet, but I digress. Anne Bradstreet was stuck in the roles of women and men at the time. To exemplify what I am saying, she writes an epitaph for her deceased mother by saying, “Here lies/ A worthy matron of unspotted life,/ A loving mother and obedient wife,...” but for her deceased father, she writes, “Within the tomb a patriot lies/ That was both pious, just and wise,...”(Anne Bradstreet).  Basically women were there to serve the needs of men because men were "just and wise."  She was intelligent enough to question her situation as a woman, but unable or unwilling to do anything about it.  However, she did express her emotions much more so than men of her day.  In comment, an Earthling wrote, "Bradstreet has a way with words where the reader can feel her emotions within her writing" (Harrison Hammond).  This is true, especially because she was in the unique position of being one of the few female poets of her time.  And this gives me a perfect idea for a good scam, writing a book called "Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars." 

Unfortunately (or fortunately for my sake) the list goes on of exploitable people. Thomas Paine was a great and influential writer with great passion of which he used to convince people of his ideas for a revolution. And while he may have been one of the most important figures in starting America's war with England for its independence, he was not much of a soldier and was a simple aide to the camp for a few battles (The Heath Anthology of American Literature, 5^th Edition). As Earthlings say, he could talk the talk, but he couldn't walk the walk. Or there was Sam Occom who worked his whole life for Indian rights and lands where his people could live in peace from the colonists, and in the end, was unsuccessful. In a speech he gave, he said, “...but I can assure them I have endeavored to teach [the Indians] as well as I know how; -but I must Say, I believe I am a poor Indian. I can't help that God has made me so; I did not make myself so, - “ (Samsom Occom). And of course there is John Woolman who had what Earthlings call a conscience and worked to abolish slavery, get better treatment of Indians, and work at stopping people's materialism (John Woolman: The Story of a Quaker Conscience). What is this guy trying to do, put people like me out of business?

So there you have it, Earth is full of morons. They have liars and attention whores like John Smith, cowards like Thomas Paine and Anne Bradstreet, confused religious fanatics like Edward Taylor, hypocrites (which seems to be a large majority of them), and over trusting suckers like Chief Powhatan. I get that many of these Earthlings are celebrated people and have done good things to further Earth society, but I'm interested in the not so good traits. And that is why Earth sounds like a perfect place to set up shop and swindle these people for everything they have.

Sincerely, your “loving” trickster,

Cheneybush Rumsy